NASA advisor just released a report advising the traditionally stodgy and befuddled government space agency to buy some condoms that work in zero g.
“In July, Dr Jason Kring, who works as an advisor at NASA, called for the agency to get the astronauts ready for sex in space. He said that a trip to Mars would last about three years and there’s little chance that men and women working in the same team will not think about sex. Currently the space agency doesn’t say anything about sex in space. However, for about 20 years mixed crews have performed missions in space and even a married couple flew on the US shuttle back in 1992.
Obviously Dr. Kring, a guy with a built-in evil genius last name, is not afraid to admit that as soon as he realized a co-ed crew would be spending 3 years flying to Mars, his mind went right to the same place as any red blooded American man’s mind is supposed to go: Star Trek.Dave in Space
Because we all grew up watching Kirk get the nookie every show (though we never saw the scene behind the orange sliding doors–who knows, maybe nookie is the wrong word. Who knows what complex gender distribution Kirk may have encountered once the skimpy Olympic skater dress was thrown over the Flux capacitor and Kirk, um, took the helm. . .) so every last dame and dude has always wondered the same damn thing. How do you dock your rocket in space?
Apparently, while Dr. Kring’s been gettin’ doctor krunk with the idea, he’s not been alone. Virgin Atlantic, who may have to change their name, has been fielding calls from people who want to go a little higher than the mile high club. According to Virgin A’s President (of Love), Will Whitehorn:
“We’ve already had a number of inquiries from people about whether they could be the first to have sex in space. But we haven’t accepted any bookings on that basis and won’t until we understand what the safety issues might be.”
Among th attendees and scientific luminaries present were Dave Haynes and Christopher Garlington, from The Dave & Chris Show! which used to be on WJJG until they ran out of money. Before Virgin A president (of love) ,Whitehorn, finished the word ‘training,’ Haynes had muscled his way to the podium, beer in one hand, stolen space suit dangling over his shoulder, offering his expertise for training and development—gratis.
“I’m fucking serious, I’ll do it for free. Well, for donuts. Dunkin Donuts,” said Haynes, adding, suddenly, “Don’t tase me, dude!”
After his partner’s security escort had finished dragging Haynes from the building, Garlington formed an ACLU insta-clench with nearby liberals, who chanted DAVE’S NOT CRAZE ZEE! DAVE’S NOT CRAZE ZEE! SATAN IS MY LOVE CHILD!
Said Garlington:
“Do we not pay taxes? Is Dave not totally qualified to run the NASA Astronaut Sex Training Institute (NASTI)? Are we gonna call them ASStronauts?! Can I get a fucking beer already?!!”
ACLU spokesperson and gender non-specific, Pat McGroin, used his secret occult liberal powers to bend all news cameras to his (or her) will, forcing T.V. reporters to ask her (him) questions regarding Haynes’ forced removal and Garlington’s assertion that Haynes’ rights as a taxpayer are being violated.
“Dave’s bosses have said for years that he’s fucking taking up space. If you apply Noam Chomksy’s theory of innate grammar structure to the pre-verbalized intentions of that phrase, it clearly shows these supervisors were describing Haynes’ qualifications as an astronaut sex trainer,” She (he) said (didn’t say).
Garlington had tough questions for Virgin A.
“What’s the zero-g equivalent of sleeping in the wet spot? Can we get a logo on the helmet of the space suits? Are you going to change your name to Whose a Virgin Now, Bitch? Can I get a fucking beer? Huh? Can I? What am I, Bob Saget? GIMME A FUCKING BEER!”
Whitehorn declined to answer, adding only “That logo thing’s a good idea, give the retard a beer already.”